Inside the Life of Alice Kruger
by Franca-the-Fortress
Summary: Before she was Jane... What was her motivation for being in Sandstorm? Can her past affect her future and what does it mean for Jane and Kurt? Who will she be when it really counts... Alice, Remy, or Jane?
1. Chapter 1

The FBI NYO's office has apprehended Moustafa Ahmad before he could reek havoc on New York City. This team the "Critical Incident Response Group" was the one who found Ahmad. The group sounds more like they work for the CDC rather than the FBI. Everytime I imagine them I see hazmat suits and them ready to clean an oil spill. Sometimes I laugh at these agencies and their squads some truly borderline on ridiculous and I have received my fair share of glares when I let a chuckle escape.

I have come to collect Ahmad I already envision how much pushback I will get from the group. Everytime I seek to retrieve someone has to shout blah blah and think they will win the argument because they made the capture always avoiding the bigger picture. But it doesn't matter.

Before I walk into the room these six individuals are having some sort of meeting or briefing I study them. I can immediately tell who Assistant Director Weller is and I see a short woman who says nothing. Well many have said nothing so far but she is not studying what's being related by the white blonde woman. She is only studying everyone in the room. She isn't a part of their team. She looks like an omnipresent figure that makes herself fade in the background without doing anything. She takes careful measured looks at the most opportune times and none of them even realize it.

She is spying on them and I doubt she is from the bureau ethics branch. This is not their style and they are too cheap to hire from the outside and too prideful to ask for help from another government agency. Which I can only surmise one thing. She is definitely from their governments stock but she forced her way in they didn't ask for her. The United States government agencies are notoriously known for not working amicably with each other to the point that they have tv shows displaying it. They have something she wants and I am somewhat intrigued in finding out what that is.

One of the women in the room has her back to me. She has what one would characterize as curly hair but they are quite loose. From the back she reminds me of someone I knew a while ago. A sister-in-arms who died as a result of a zealous member of the CIA. We could never avenge her death because we couldn't touch Tom Carter without setting an international incident. He mysteriously ended up dead and the only reason my superior didn't think we were behind it because we have been deep in our original mission. I walk in because we need custody of Ahmad.

"Assistant Director Weller?" The tall white man turns around and his blue eyes have signs of fury that is only slightly contained. The room is a tense enviornment and we stumbled in at the absolute best time because it gives me time to assess everything in here. The spy must be loving this.

"Who's asking?" The man makes no gesture to shake my hand and his tone is accusatory. I pull out my credentials and pass it around to the team.

"Sabine Ghazal, I am here on behalf of Interpol and the government of Cyprus. I was made aware of the capture of one Moustafa Ahmad. He has an international warrant out for his arrest." I feel I have been struck by lightning when the girl with the loose black curls turns around. She has a tattoo on her neck that is only slightly visible due to her turtleneck but she looks just like Alice. I don't linger because the spy is in the room I also would never tip my hand.

"We just stopped this guy from detonating a bomb here. He is ours!" The woman with the ponytail tells me. She crosses her arm and makes a defensive stance. She is too emotional it will hinder her career if she ever wants to get ahead.

"It is heroic that you were able to stop him from detonating his bomb over here. The authorities in Cyprus were not as lucky. 34 Cypriots are dead due to Ahmad and a bomb he set off there. Your prevented execution of a terrorist act does not take precedence over an actual carried out. If you decline to hand over Ahmad now. I will go through all the appropriate channels so he can be tried for the 34 lives he has taken." If I have to bring up treaties and UN resolutions I will. Its always the Americans who give me the most pushback in my travels.

"That won't be necessary. We will process Ahmad and he will be turned into your custody we will just need to have you fill the appropriate paperwork." It is the spy who says this and no one contradicts her. So she isn't with the FBI but she is with the American government. I doubt she is CIA, or DEA. Ahmad is many things but he doesn't push drugs. The fact she is always observing I come to believe she is apart of the NSA. She must be in high order to be giving definitive answers.

"Thank you..." I have no clue who anyone is besides Alice and the Assistant Director. Alice does incredible without reacting to seeing me.

"Naz Kamal." She extends her hand out and I take it she gives the most guarded and slight smiles and I know in my gut I am right. I shake her hand and I walk out. One thing I am sure is that Alice Kruger is alive but I want to know how... She was killed in combat or so they had everyone believe... I am going to have someone on my team follow her and this team.

"Yes... let's get those documents for you so everything is on the up and up for this swap." The Assistant Director finally speaks again. He is quite rigid and stoic but he is being slightly more fair. He most likely needs to leave this room because what ever was being talked about before was an intense conversation. The too emotional one just starts shaking her head that she can believe it and I walk away. Once the door shuts as I walk with the AD I see the woman speaking again.

"Who is that woman with the large tattoo on her neck?"

"No one of your concern."

"When people say that it just makes them want to know more. I find it fascinating honestly."

"She is just a consultant" She is more than that but I'll keep my mind short I don't want think I am investigating them or her. When he says the words its with anger and contempt. Does he hate Alice? Alice may think she is running a one woman army.

"She looks quite interesting." I get started on all the paper work to ensure all procedures are followed. I don't want the U.S. saying we didn't follow the correct steps and get this guy. I cannot return to France with nothing.

"What is your assessment?" I am anxious to find out what my team has encountered.

"I have reason to believe that the subject who may be Alice Kruger is being monitored by more than the FBI. When we were doing reconnaissance. As I was covering Fatima I discover that she wasn't the only person watching Alice. I was able to take a picture of the man whom I believe to also be watching her.

I see the picture and it only further proves that my hunch that Alice is alive is becoming more credible.

"This is the subject's brother. I believe the consultant for the FBI is Alice Kruger and the fact that her brother is also watching her then he believes this is his sister."

"I wonder if he is watching her for Shepherd or for himself..." Fatima inquires and it is something that I want to know as well.

"Last time I was able to speak to Alice she was worried that she would be found out by Shepherd. I told her to do whatever was necessary to not be found out. She believed she could flip her brother when the time came but it wouldn't be until much later. He is too unpredictable to be trusted with a secret with this magnitude. The fact she is alive possibly means we can possibly penetrate that organization again. We will need to get in contact with her."

"That may not be so easy... she is being watched by the brother, most likely the FBI, and maybe Zawjat Alshshaytan as well." Fatima has a slight look of worry. It has been a while where we have had split focus.

"If the brother is watching her then Zawjat Alshshaytan will not be. They like to stay in the shadows. The brother is the renegade he will be doing it on his own. When Alice was doing undercover work he would find ways to sneak out from Shepherd to watch over her. Most of the time it would be in spite of being told not too. Its my assessment that hasn't changed. Shepherd is paranoid with her current exploits she has definitely gone underground she truly can't afford to be found after the things she has facilitated."

Alice/Jane's POV

I feel lonelier than ever. I am trying my hardest to not let the coldness from the team get to me. I have to look at it like a job and nothing else. I don't know who I have in this world. Roman is my brother but I have no recollection of it. I made myself forget my whole identity. I know nothing and I think to myself how could my old self think it was worth it? I know I can be ruthless I am turning against my own mother and brother but how could I believe in what Shepherd is espousing? Corruption is everywhere and unavoidable but she is willing to sacrifice everyone no matter if they are innocent or not. What happens to the children who are at the wrong place and time?

Is she even really my mother? She says she raised me but she only helped in making me a killing machine. My old self had questionable morals and skewed vision? She made me into what she wanted me to be? My old self was probably fucked from the start and being sent to her was just the icing on the cake. She was my headmaster in a league of assassins. I wasn't made to experience any kind of happiness but it doesn't mean I don't want it. I envy everyone out in the real world. In the little time I get to interact with the world I see people happy with children and in relationships.

I was foolish enough to think maybe Kurt and I could be together. Even when I think of him it causes me to have a full body reaction. I don't know if I'll ever get used to it. I don't know if my past self felt that with Oscar but I feel like I can't live without Kurt. What I should feel for him is revulsion! I was tortured by the CIA because he let me go. He let them have me and for a man about justice he let them take me with no trial. I don't even exist anyhow thanks to Carter and Sheppard. It only helped the CIA in that regard. If a person doesn't exist there is no one to find.

No I am stuck here working with them until I am no longer valuable to them. I will most likely got to jail or end up in the ground once this is all done. I just realized I never really lived a life before or after I lost my memory. Even when I was Remy I was probably my most free when I was in the Navy. Shepherd probably always had us living in the shadows. I have no freedom and I don't know if I ever will.

I find myself thinking about Roman. I have a brother and in my heart I know we had a solid relationship where we relied on one another. My heart tells me a number of things and I know this to be true of him. My first thought when I found out who he really was is maybe I am not truly alone in this world. He was raised just like me. We both lost our parents, we both lost our childhoods. He is a child of the Krugers like me. Our parents fought to do right in this world and they paid the price for it without killing innocent people. I know Shepherd believes in her cause but she doesn't care about who gets in the way of her vision. Shepherd made Roman and my past self only think that her way was the only way. How many people have died because of that mindset?

Alice and Ian Kruger is who we are? I wonder if Roman would ever want to be Ian again? Could I ever be Alice? How did I know that Roman was Ian? I feel more memories coming back. Well not memories just snippets of specific facts in my life.

I feel a whirlwind of emotions after today. Naz and her threats are something that I have to take seriously. The pseudo-freedom I have would be a luxury considering my only alternative would be a CIA blacksite. I wouldn't be able to go to a prison I doubt the government would let that happen especially after I was able to escape a CIA blacksite. I wonder who that woman was who came today. She gave me the briefest of glances probably a fraction of a millisecond if I am being honest but it was enough.

It sounds ludicrous when I think about it but this woman was trained. Maybe I am reading too much into it or I am right. Maybe I knew her in my past life? Have I ever been in contact with Interpol? Has she ever arrested me? I doubt it because if she did I wouldn't have been allowed to see freedom again. I get the same feeling I had with Lukas that I feel about her. She reminds me of someone or something important connected to my past.

I'm finally make it back to my apartment. I guess its one step up from the safe house. I have an illusion of freedom with having an apartment. I don't get the same government protection like I used too. It's a more hands off approach now. I find myself missing Kurt being the one to take me home but I also feel anger towards him. Just like he feels betrayed from me I feel betrayed by him.

I open my door and my instincts are on hyper alert. Someone is in my apartment. I don't who it is but I doubt it would be Roman. But then again its not like I know him at least I can't really remember who he was.

"Hello... I have been waiting all day to see you again." I feel only slightly better once I hear the voice. I know it won't be a fire fight tonight.


	2. Chapter 2

Alice/ Jane's POV

"Hello... I have been waiting all day to see you again." I close the door as soon as I get in.

"What are you doing here? How did you get in?" I am confused

"These are the questions you want to ask?" I feel like more than one person is in my home but Sabine Ghazal is not making any aggressive body stances towards me. She just sits on my couch and drinks what looks to be pink wine. I can only assume she brought it since I don't even have wine glasses here. I don't have much here...

"Considering I don't really know who you are... those would be great questions to ask?" I am getting a little annoyed that she is answering my question with one of her one.

"I still see that it annoys you when people do that." She knows me or who I was before the memory wipe. Is she a part of Sandstorm? Has she been sent here by Shepherd to make sure I go with the plan.

"You know who I am..." Its not really a question but its confirmation. She isn't exactly being subtle and the fact she is drinking wine only furthers my guess.

"Oh do I..." Another woman comes from where my kitchen meets the living room. With two wine glasses. She looks to be of Middle Eastern extraction like Sabine Ghazal but instead of Sabine's green eyes hers a warm brown. Her eyes have no hostility or animosity in them well neither of them do for that fact and its such a welcome sight. Why am I saying this? There's two strangers in my apartment and I am grateful for them not pouncing on me yet. The other woman joins Sabine to her right and offers me a glass of the wine.

They look at me expectantly and I do the only thing I can and take the wine glass and sit on the lone seat instead of joining them one the sofa. The distance is needed in order to protect myself.

"You do not need to act like this now we have already sweeped this apartment. We are not being watched by the NSA or FBI. We have surveillance in place to be on the lookout." The woman with Interpol says this with confidence so I had to have known her in my past life. So she is with Shepherd and Sandstorm?

"Act like what I don't know who you are? I only met you briefly this morning? The man you came to get was connected with my tattoos. Did Shepherd tell you to come and check up on me?" Is this some kind of test with Shepherd? I don't know the right words to say. I didn't expect this meeting. The women look at each other like they cannot believe something but it just makes me more nervous and anxious to get out of whatever is going on. They look to be military of some kind so I don't know if I could take them both down and I am not calling their bluff on how could be doing surveillance for them. I would be caught. The only reason I was able to get away from the CIA was because I had the element of surprise. I doubt these two would be fooled for long even with Sabine taking only two sips of a Rose with low alcohol content.

"What's your name?" Why is she asking me this question? If she was with Sandstorm she would know exactly who I am and if she were high enough on the chain she would know exactly what my mission is. What is going on?

"What do you mean what is my name?" I have two sets of eyes looking at me for answers.

"You should know I get annoyed just as much as you do when people answer a question with a question?"

"I don't know what you want from me? I'm just a consultant for the FBI."

"Who are you?" She keeps pressing me like she did less than a minute ago.

"I don't think I can answer that for you." If they aren't with Sandstorm or the United States government it would only make this situation even more confusing and dangerous.

"No more time for games are you still doing your mission or are you turning your back on us?"

"Turning my back on who? I don't even know who you are?"

"What did they do to you?!" Her voice heightens only a little bit she is controlled. She knows voices can carry and the last thing I need is nosy neighbors.

"I think it's a matter of who has done what to me. I am always waiting for the next shoe to drop."

"Alice we are your friends. We thought you were gone when we got word of the explosion to your naval unit in Afghanistan." The other woman has finally said something. She has been quiet for the whole evening save for the greeting.

"I don't have any friends! I have been alone or near it my whole freaking life. You come into my home and just confuse me more. It's the last thing I need right now."

"We can prove it. I am guessing you don't remember parts of your past if you don't remember us. We are your friends and we love you Alice." I don't know why but its weird to hear that. It makes my throat get a little tighter when someone says that. I know she means it by the conviction in her voice and their eyes conveying their feelings.

"I don't remember most parts of my life or who I am. I know my name is Alice but I don't know much beyond that. I have just the briefest of glimpses of my past. I don't know how I got here and why I would do this to myself..."

"I am going to show you a video that you made a long time ago that may answer some questions about you and the person you are." The green-eyed woman retrieves some tablet device.

"We can show you proof on the person you were and hopefully it can help spark some things for you. You should drink your wine it's a good Rose." The other woman offers me the wine again and I am a little leery because it could be laced with something.

"We didn't drug it Alice. If we wanted to take you somewhere with no fuss we would have just chloroformed you." I have no retort to that because she is right. She doesn't speak much but when she does it direct and holds nothing back.

I take the wine and tablet and I take a leap of faith and take a sip and press play.

 _Hello, my name is Lieutenant Alice Amina Kruger and I devote my life and cause upholding the duties and constitution of the great country of Jordan as an officer in the Royal Armed Forces specifically the General Intelligence Directorate. I will be doing undergoing a mission to infiltrate a terrorist network which we have come to call Zawjah Alshshaytan that has had ties with Al-Qaeda and current ties with Daesh. My Lieutenant Commander Amal Sabine Iordanou has been given authorization for my mission. It is my sincerest hope that it will be a successful mission but if it is not I can only hope that I die with the flag of my country on my casket. Yaeish almalik._

There's two things I have learned. I am an intelligence officer for the Armed Forces of Jordan and I speak fluent Arabic. I remember something slightly. I remember choosing my middle name and its means trustworthy.

"I think I remembered something. It was about choosing my middle name. I knew I didn't really want to change my name because it was a link to my birth parents but I also wanted to choose something that would symbolize my love of Jordan and the hope that it gave me."

"Yes Alice, this is exactly what happened. Why did they force you to forget who you are or were?" I am getting slow emotions that are starting to magnify what Amal means to me.

"LC, I was under duress when I made the decision. I remember having a talk with you two about Shepherd and feeling that she was getting suspicious about me. When a couple of her operatives ended up dead by sniper fire it really made her go underground but she was paranoid about leaks coming from the inside. In order to prove my worth I volunteered for a mission when I felt she was making subtle assertions that I was too blame." I don't know how the knowledge is coming back to me in a stream but its like a stream of consciousness.

"She wanted me to infiltrate the FBI for some reason and work with them and work as a mole. She wanted me to specifically be with Kurt Weller's team. They want to bring the U.S. government to its knees and I don't know how it all connects though. Maybe my past self knows but I don't think I knew everything. I don't think anyone knows but Shepherd."

"Can your brother turn against Shepherd?"

"Not at an official capacity I think. I think there's cracks in the armor with his loyalty to Shepherd because of me. First and foremost he loves me and I believe that I can get him away from her or at least make a serious attempt but he cannot be an operative fighting because I don't think he will last. He can be very impulsive and reckless. While he was taking care of me his first instinct was to kill at any cost to protect instead of looking at all the options."

"Do you think he could ever have a successful attempt at a normal life? I need to know if he can be in society without him murdering people. We would all hang ourselves if he kills civilians in Jordan."

"As far as I know Ian has killed via Shepherd's orders or when he has felt I am in danger. He doesn't have a compulsion to murder he has the compulsion to protect me and what he thinks are his ideals. I don't think he will pose a threat to society if we could be successful in doubting Shepherd and her new world order."

"Alice this would have to be sooner rather than later. If Shepherd's organization falls he will be held accountable. In order to save him yourself he will need to be an agent in Shepherd's demise. This is more than one country it most likely will be tried in ICC before any specific country. This is a global terrorist organization."

"I know... I know! I just have to think this through. I don't want to test his limits on loyalty on something this big. Maybe he just might side with Shepherd and I end up dead. She is suspicious of me now like she was then and that will probably make him feel the same. She will probably make me prove myself in order to prove him wrong about me. I don't really remember how she operates but its just my instincts. She uses our relationship to her advantage."

"Whatever you do you will have to do with urgency. We have to be successful Alice because I cannot protect you from everything if we are not. You still might end up in a secret prison because you are an intelligence officer for a foreign government. Even if we are allies with the U.S. this will cause major implications for future relations. This is not what I envisioned in our fight against Shepherd. This is treasonous and the optics on this are off the charts terrible. I must inform my superior about this development."

"This is what Shepherd wanted all along. I do believe she was suspicious of me but she knew if I were working with anyone infiltrating a government agency under a false name would be my noose and it worked. If she figured I was loyal then it was just dandy but if I wasn't I would be stuck with her when she went down. She played her cards right the whole time and I made a rash decision."

"That decision allowed you to breathe another day. She may say you are her child but she wouldn't hesitate to eliminate you Alice. She sent you on a kamikaze mission fully knowing all aspects of it. I will do my best to remedy this with my superior but I fear many screams will take place. I believe the mission will continue but we need failsafes. I need you to get clearance from the FBI. It must be a secret I need you to only have people you trust involved."

"I don't trust any of them. I don't how to do that. I was left behind to die and there's no way around that. They left me in the hands of the CIA to be tortured with no sanctions." I don't know who I am trying to convince her or myself

"I know you Alice... you know how to mix your lies with the truth. I don't even know if you know it. In my little time at that office it was undeniable how you were with Kurt Weller. You trust him and the fact of how you are all or nothing it means you trust him with your life."

"I don't want too but I do! I want to hate him but I can't... It makes me feel broken because I want to hate the man but I can't. I have scars because of him and not all of them are on the outside. He wouldn't let me explain. I tried to explain to him I didn't know who I even was. I feel the more I find out about my past makes me feel even more confused. I am tied to Weller and the U.S. government until I'm not."

"I will do my best to get assurances... I am going to try to get you clearance as an undercover agent for some bullshit thing like an international task force or something where you got some clearance by someone high up to cover the treason. If this team has a problem then they can take it up with you later."

"Thank you Amal. I don't know or remember how I knew your real name." I am slowly getting some memories back. I fully know that I may never get all my memories back but its nice to have some that aren't so gruesome and show sad and lonely my life was before.

But I also wonder if there's an ulterior motive for them besides the obvious. Everything at the surface level sounds great but could they be another entity that I will feel betrayed and hurt by later?


	3. Chapter 3

After my meeting with Amal and Fatima I feel some memories and feelings from my time with them. Sometimes I wonder why is that I can remember but nothing else about my life...

I doubt the wine had anything in it to make me remember? I don't think of there being any drug like that out there. If there was I am pretty sure that Naz would have compelled me to take it. I am mulling over in my head if I should tell this to Kurt or not. The more people that know about my allegiances the more of it becoming a liability.

As much as I want to hate him he is someone I trust implicitly. He has nothing to gain from me telling him this. He doesn't even want me to be in the same room with him unless it's absolutely necessary. But it's not like I really have a choice in the matter. Now that I remember that I work for the Jordanian government I need people above his paygrade to sign off on this. It was different when I was acting as an operative for Sandstorm and chose to become a double agent for my freedom but now I know I am an intelligence officer for another government and could get far worse than the CIA treatment if they wanted.

The last thing the Jordanian government would want is an inadvertent international incident because of my colossal fuck up that I can't even remember the full extent. I should have just made contact and be extracted than to make this deal. I should have just told Amal to pull me out. I didn't even know what I was agreeing to when Shepherd made me "re-commit" to the cause. I didn't know until it was too late I couldn't make any contact with anyone when Shepherd told me I would be going on a mission.

Urgh! My bullet wound is causing me pain again. It's usually just an annoying minimal throb but right now it feels like my skin there is on fire. I pull my shirt up a little and I see my bandage is bleeding through and it's the fourth time in two days. I should be used to it right now but the pain is as annoying as it is messy. After I come out from the bathroom area my instincts tell me there's another person here.

I find it easier to just pretend like no one is there. The only person who talks to me is someone who is paid to ask people about their feelings. Dr. Borden hardly ever ventures to the locker room so I doubt it's him.

I do my best to just go to my locker and avoid whoever is here and I see that its Kurt. This Kismet is worse than the wound I swear. I feel like the universe will not let me have a day of sanity.

I know its him by the briefest view through my peripheral vision and I get my stuff ready for leaving and I feel his eyes on me. Its that instinct deep within you that you know you are being watched. I know that eyes watch me all the time but when its him sometimes it makes me lose focus. I go slower because it's hard to not let it get to me. Before it was exhilarating now it's excruciating. It's weird the same action make me feel to different extreme emotions. I think to what Amal was talking to me before about getting the American government on board.

I close my locker and I look at it for a beat. I am trying to gather myself to ask a man that hates me to come hear me out.

"Umm... Kurt?"

"What do you want Jane?!" His voice is rough and has hints of a growl like an attack dog. Outside the scope of a case his voice always sounds like this. On edge and ready to pounce like I will always be his enemy. I am only his asset until I am proven to be obsolete.

"Umm... I made a promise to be more honest with you."My nervousness is making my stomach clinch and I just hope I don't bleed anymore.

"Yeah I know but I don't really need to hear the breakdown of your day everyday. I only care if its pertinent to our cases or this team. Unless I am going to be blindsided by you again. I have no urge to speak to you or be in your company."

"Can we go somewhere and talk please?" This is not something I want to talk about here. And I know it would be best for Kurt to be in the Jordanian Embassy for him to believe me. He would laugh at me otherwise and call me delusional if I have no one to back me up.

"I need to get home Jane... I have no urge to be civil and have coffee with you and hear more excuses."

"Please Kurt... I want to talk to you. We need to keep an open dialogue and I am trying... please?" I realize after about five seconds my hand is on his forearm when I feel it flex and I pull my arm back fast. I don't need an angrier Kurt Weller.

"Fine Jane, you win we will get a damn coffee. It will be a quick one but I won't have you saying I didn't give you the time of day."

We go to his truck and I ask him to take a couple long routes to make sure no one is following us. He asks me where I would like to go and I tell him Roselli's and he gets pissy because that is north of where we are but he drives. The silence in the car is palpable and tension filled and it makes me feel at unease. I feel my body doing micro tenses to compensate for the environment I am in.

"Do you want to listen to some music?" It's weird to hear his voice like this. It's one of the first times it doesn't sound angry in a setting where it's only the two of us.

"Umm... yeah I guess that would be all right. Thank you." He lets me pick the station and I listen to soft jazz music as he drives. My body only relaxes a fraction but it's a good thing since the last thing I want is for me to accidentally make my gunshot wound bleed more.

We make it to Roselli's and we go in and Kurt follows my lead...

"Hey I thought we were getting the damn coffee. Where are you going? Jane?!" He just follows me and as we make it through the kitchen and the side exit. I keep walking and he grabs me. It's not hard or threatening just one to make me stop.

"Jane why are you not answering me? What is this? I am doing what you want and then you are starting to waste my time. What's wrong with you?" He gets in front of me and just looks at me. When I look into his blue eyes I am expecting anger but I find confusion.

"I am taking you somewhere Kurt. The only place I know I can trust. I want to be honest with you 100% but I need to do it somewhere I feel safe and away from the FBI and Sandstorm. It's the only place I know neither will be. I know you have no reason to trust me but please take that leap of faith and just try..." I just look at him hoping he can see I am not being deceitful.

"All right Jane, take me where you feel safe. I promise I'll hear you out. If we are going to try to do this honesty thing then I have to let you do it and if you need a special place to do it fine."

"Thank you Kurt." We just walk through the alley and I pull my hoodie up and we walk through the crowds and when I feel safe enough to make our way to the Jordanian Embassy.

We get inside and a guard is in the lobby area and I hope he doesn't kick us out.

"As-salāmu ʿalaykum" I know that I know Arabic I just hope it doesn't fail me know.

"Waʿalaykumu s-salām, kayf bi'iimkani musaeadatk?" The guard responds back to me. Kurt just looks completely and utterly lost I have the urge to laugh but I keep it in.

"Aismi mulazim Alice Kruger 'awwal wa'uwd liqa' mae qayid harakat Amal Iordanou."

"Wasawf yakun ladayk lilttahaqquq min dhlk."

"'Afham." If he runs my name in the database I should pop up I hope that I no longer appear as the dead Alice Kruger because that would make sure they lockdown this whole facility. I didn't even think about that until this very second.

"Sawf takun qadiraan ealaa ruyat liha. laqad shakhs sayurafiquk laha fi lahza." Out from the corner is Fatima and it's so nice to see a familiar face.

"Hello to you two and welcome to the Jordanian Embassy. I will take you to see her now." I just walk behind Fatima and Kurt just walks beside me and says nothing. He is probably trying to figure out the angle of why we would be here. Fatima leaves us after she takes us to the door. I look up at Kurt and he is still confused but knows its something serious.

I open the door and see Amal and two men who look definitely military. I don't know if I know them from the past or not.

"Welcome to the Jordanian Embassy Assistant Director Weller. We have much to discuss." The relief I feel in Amal's voice is like a swimming in the dead sea.

"Jane, what's going on? What is this?" When he looks at me like that it's like there's no one else in the room.

"Kurt remember when I told you about my past life of being Alice Kruger?"

"Yeah but what's that have to do with a liaison for Interpol?!"

"I feel it would be better if I showed you some things and have Commander Iordanou speak to you..."

"Jane what have you gotten into?" He doesn't sound mad more like frustrated.

"I believe it's what I put her through. This news will be better served with a meal because it will take a while. This is an official briefing between two nations right now."

"Did you take an international terrorist from the FBI under false pretenses?" Kurt looks at her with a fury and I realize who knows her under a different name and I urge him to calm down and just put my hands over his and to my shock he grips my hand. I don't move it I don't want to spook him and I like it. I know Amal has picked up on it because she is sharper than a tack out the box.

"No she didn't Kurt her name is Commander Amal Sabine ibn Ghazal Iordanou. She is incredibly classified and can't go around using her name. Her real self is a ghost to the world with good reason. She is one of the most important intelligence officers for the Jordanian government and her focus is running a counterterrorism unit."

"If you are so classified why am I being debriefed on your identity?"

"Your co-operation is crucial for Alice." He looks at me and it's just silence as we look into each others eyes and he nods in understanding.

"All right tell me what I need to know." We have dinner served and it smells really good.

"I had them make what used to be your favorite Alice I don't know if you will still like it but I thought it might be something you would enjoy." We make our way to the eating area and I see it is a ravioli and I think to myself simple ravioli can't smell this good.

Kurt and I sit close and Amal sits on the other side.

"I should start from the beginning. Since Jane cannot remember all of her past I will try to connect the dots as best as I can."

"Please call me Alice... Amal it feels right when you call me that. I may not be ready for everyone to call me Alice but you are like a connector to my old life and it feels right when you call me Alice."

"All right I will continue to call you Alice. I only want you to feel your most comfortable. That's all I ever wanted for you then and now."

"shukraan jazilaan."

"dayimaan. I met Alice Kruger during a fleet week in San Diego. It is less often we actually have an international fleet week that actually coincides with various foreign ships. Governments next to never like it because the money used for the resources are always great especially in these times. Alice was based in San Diego for a while and as intelligence officers for the Royal Navy we were actually debriefing the NCIS field office about a case after our ship was docked. I met Alice in a bar and she was sitting by herself.

The Navy or any division of the armed forces can be isolating and lonely for women so I decided we could be alone in company. We talked about our experiences and I couldn't help but examine her. I felt she was hiding something but I didn't know what it was but we became friends. I didn't pester her about her secrets because we all have them and the last thing any woman wants is for it spilling out into work. It only takes one time to be discredited as a distraction. It's unfair but a reality for women around the world.

I told Alice she could speak with me day or night when she had the time. I wasn't going to be deployed on missions like she was. I run central command so while I would be busy I am for the most part available. One day she calls me hysterical and asks me would it be possible to work as a liaison for me in exchange for citizenship and I told her our King doesn't trust non-Jordanians especially those who are not even West Asian knowing Jordanian intelligence. I did extreme vetting and I find out Alice wasn't even American because her alias had holes in it and I couldn't believe the American military system didn't catch it.

I told Alice if she wanted any help from me I wanted to know why the hell doesn't she exist and why is she using fake aliases to be a naval officer. That's when she told me about what you call Sandstorm. We refer to it as zawjat alshshaytan. In Arabic it means devil's wife and that name came to be because they were in league with al-Qaeda and Daesh. It scared Alice when she realized the ideals of zawjat alshshaytan were not her own. A bombing of a school in Iraq shook her because Shepherd sold the explosives to Daesh. This was the first time children were a casualty of death for this terrorist group.

Alice confronted Shepherd and Shepherd told her that sacrifices must be made even those we may not like and agree with must be done in order for a better future. 167 children died that day and Alice decided she could not be in league with an organization that tries to justify the murder of teachers and children. The school was an all-girls school. It's the mission of many terrorist organizations to target girls schools to further cement their dominance over women and impose Sharia law.

From that day Alice has been working for the GID. Lieutenant Alice Amina Kruger is under my command. I ask you to keep what has been said to you in the utmost secrecy. I have only told you these things because Alice has said that this is something you need to know as well as Alice may die."

"What?! Is Sandstorm making threats again?" Amal shoots me a look and I just shrug a little. I can tell she knows what Kurt means to me at least actually see what he means to me and what I mean to him contrary to what his words say.

"No this actually has nothing to do with Sandstorm. I did something incredibly reckless and many people may end up dead because of it..."

"Is there going to be a terror attack here?" Kurt sometimes for someone so smart you can be really obtuse.

"No at least not that I know of right now... I am an intelligence officer for a foreign government. Since I have been enmeshed in the FBI I have been privy to private information that I should have never had access too. It could cause an international incident that could land Jordan in the crosshairs with the U.S. government and people. The optics of this is bad... 'Jordanian spy infiltrates government agency of an ally'."

"What can we do Jane doesn't belong back in a black site or worse..."

"I have spoken to my superior you will be coming with Jane and I to Washington D.C. tomorrow. Take a sick day I don't care but no one can know where you are going." Kurt looks at me and I don't know what he is thinking. Maybe he realizes I need him once again and will leave me out to dry. I just stare at my food this plan still hinges on a lot and I could still be killed by Sandstorm.

"What can I do to help her?" His eyes are still on me and I close my eyes and let out a breath. I feel a range of things but the strongest of them all is the little bit of hope that's shining in the darkness.

"You will give an assessment tomorrow on how Alice has contributed to your team."

"That's it? Shouldn't we be doing more."

"You leave that to me and my boss now let's finish this dinner." I look at Amal and I hope whatever she has up her sleeve actually works. I can't outrun Sandstorm forever I will need as much protection as I can get. Whoever Amal ends up taking us too I hope they are trustworthy. I have no clue who or how many people Sandstorm has in the government. We can't walk into a trap we just can't.

 **Hi Everyone, just wanted to thank you guys for reading this story. I got into Blindspot for the most part at the end of the season and now I am just a fan. This story has a different take on Jane's past and how it connects to the present day and possibly for her future. All grammatical errors are my own I have no proofreader. I do try to sweep my chapters as much as I can so bear with them please.**


	4. Chapter 4

"Thank you for listening..." I feel better about my footing with Kurt. I don't know if it will make him hate me less. I doubt anything could do that but maybe I have a chance after all of this is done to stay alive

"I can't even begin to fathom this..." He pinches the bridge of his nose. I feel everything is in hyperfocus again. He brought me to my home and after the awkward silence I break it with the only thing I can. I don't know what to say in this situation. Its weird because he looks so tense and for the first time in a long time I am relaxed.

"I can't either. I still don't remember much of my previous life but I remember some things" I don't really know why I said the last part. I need to check myself in check. If I have to speak to anyone it will be too Amal or Fatima.

"What do you remember?" That isn't what I expect to hear. I am under no illusion Kurt wants to speak outside the parameters of any cases.

"What?!"

"I want to know what you remember?" I am coming to hate this confused face he is making.

"Why?!" I am getting defensive

"Because I want to know... So tell me what do you remember?"

"You told me if it doesn't pertain to the case you don't want to know the ins and outs of my life." Stop confusing me!

"Fuck!" He gets up from my couch and starts pacing. Incredibly quiet but you can feel the tension radiating from him. I let him be because he is concentrating not getting mad.

"This is so hard Jane! So fucking hard... you don't know what I am wrestling with right now." Now I am angry! Why do I get to be so discounted? Like nothing I feel matters!

"What you are wrestling with?! Are you kidding me right now Kurt? How about what the fuck I am wrestling with? My life is like three different land mines and I don't know how to navigate my life right now. If I make one wrong move I'll be killed by Sandstorm or Nas will classify me as obsolete and the CIA will be after me. I may be responsible for an international incident if Amal can't bail me out. And on top of that I can barely remember who I am. I am marked for death sorry if I don't care about what you are feeling right now." I am freaking furious if it were possible to have fumes coming out of me I would. I get up from the couch and I just go to the window. I can't sit down but I also can't do anything else. I feel so awkward and upset and clueless on what to do.

"Jane... I'm sorry I have no right to be like that with you. I've been holding onto so much anger even stuff that has nothing to do with you. I dumped it all on you Jane and I am so sorry. I am just so sorry for all of the crap I put you through. All of this information is just so confusing and makes the water even murkier. I'm still just trying to process Mayfair's murder and everytime I look at you I think of you being the reason she's gone. Knowing more of the facts Mayfair was always going to die no matter what. Sandstorm pinned Carter on her and they were going to kill her to tie up loose ends. Everyone involved in Daylight was going to die Sandstorm made sure of it."

"I still feel responsible. I am responsible for goodness sake. I was the reason they even were able to frame her for murder. In her final moments I could feel her pure hate when she figured it out. I wanted to explain that I was on her side but Oscar killed her." Just because Kurt knows more about me doesn't mean anything. He may not completely hate me but I still am responsible for Mayfair getting murdered.

"Jane I am still mad as hell about everything that happened with Mayfair. I am still angry with you and I am sure you are angry with me and that's completely justified. After everything you have been through from all sides you have every right to feel betrayed by everyone especially me. When the CIA took you I should have done more to get you back. I should have fought like hell to get you back." My heart beats faster when he says the last part. I have gone through hell and it doesn't make up for anything but this is the most where I felt he was sorry.

"I can't change what happened. I just need you to believe me when I say I want to take down Sandstorm. Shepherd has taken everything away from me. She had me fooled most of my life and I woke up to it. I must have slowly realized I was not being an agent of justice or retribution but a law and order dispensed based on someone else's ideals. She has my brother and not just afraid for me in all of this. I'm just afraid for him. Kurt he's passionate about what he believes and he has been fed lies almost his whole life. The only reason I could break away was because Shepherd made me go undercover. She didn't realize that was the biggest flaw in her plan. I just... You should go home Kurt. I forgot you needed to go home." It felt so great to be able to just talk about things but then I realized Kurt knows enough he can leave now.

"I can't apologize enough for making you feel like you can't come to me. Through all of this anger I have thrown at you. I knew you would just take it because it's me. It wasn't fair of me. Even when I was trying to hate you I should have just paid you no mind instead of actively trying to make you feel hurt. I was being petty and through all the lies I could tell how much it affected you. I wanted you to feel as hurt and betrayed as I felt. The irony of it all is you have been more hurt than anyone in this. You were tortured by them physically and mentally. Only to escape and then captured by me only to get emotionally tortured. You have every right to pummel me into the ground." I don't even know what to say to this right now. Kurt expressing this is more than I could have ever imagined or hoped for. It just helps validating me in feeling utterly betrayed and broken.

"I can't pummel you into the ground yet. I still need you to look presentable tomorrow. Whoever Amal has us meeting tomorrow has to be important enough that you can't walk in with black eyes." I try to lessen the tenseness with some levity. I am not so used to speaking about my feelings so this is the most uncomfortable I have felt in a long time.

"How much do you know about Amal? Well I should say how much can you remember?"

"Kurt if you are asking me if I can trust her..."

"I am asking can we trust her..." That makes me go a little off kilter but then again he has to protect his time he is no longer just a senior agent. He is the Deputy Director the whole NYC branch. He has many people in his command.

"Yes Kurt, we can trust her. The little I can remember of my past life I know for sure I trust her more than anything or anyone. When I found out about Roman and Shepherd I knew they weren't lying to me but I didn't have the overwhelming sense of real trust from them or in my heart. When I saw Amal at the office it was for at most a third of second. I had this funny feeling in my heart and in my gut. I felt like I knew her even when I couldn't remember her. It was a good kind of remembering looking back on it because I stayed relaxed. When I met Shepherd even when I met Roman I didn't feel that way. I felt absolute dread when I found out Shepherd is my mother. I know for sure Shepherd picked up on it and that's why she doesn't really trust me because she knows I don't really trust her. I may not remember most of my past life but I definitely remember that I trust her as my friend and as my commander. "

"If you are telling me your instincts say trust her then I promise I will trust her. Is there anything you can really remember from your past life? It doesn't have to pertain to a plan but maybe talking about it can be an outlet for you..." This is something Borden would say well in more a therapist like manner but this is nice.

"Umm.. Well let's see what I can remember. I remember finding out about the attack on the girls' school by chance. My brother let that slip when I was meeting with him. He would find creative ways to meet me when I was in the Navy. When we were younger he was the more human of the two of us. I can't remember much about my birth parents but I remember my mother being the planner and my father being the heart. Roman was the heart and I was planner. When he found me he freaked out when Sandstorm sold weapons to Daesh. The bombing of the girls' school was a tipping point. I guess internally after bin Laden had been killed the underlying tension came to the surface. Daesh didn't want to take commands from a central network and went rogue and bombed the school.

Daesh committed an egregious error. Al-Qaeda didn't sanction the action and they didn't take kindly to the freelancing. They struck while the iron was hot when bin Laden was killed to make a statement. Daesh called that act their divorce. Shepherd sold those weapons to Daesh. Before that incident we never knew that Shepherd had surrogates dealing with al-Qaeda. At most I knew about eco-terrorists but this is a whole other league. Roman confronted her when he overheard her speaking with someone. She berated him telling him how did we think we got the money to fund our missions. She always touted having contacts in private military contractors who worked with us. It was the first time Roman or I discovered she was dealing with terrorists. It freaked me out so much... everything for me came crashing down when I realized what I was truly in.

Roman was equally freaked out about the prospect of us dealing with people like that. We didn't know what we could do because Shepherd wouldn't hesitate to kill us. Nothing gets in the way of her mission not even us. I don't know if it were Kismet or what but I met Amal only by chance. I remembered she was a senior level official for another military and I told her everything. The Jordanians have been fighting both of them longer than anyone else. I thought if I am one step away from death it didn't matter if I told her. To say she was livid would be an absolute understatement.

The Jordanian ambassador to Iraq and a Colonel were stationed in al-Anbar at the time. Their daughters were students at that girls' school. It was the first time Haditha was severely rocked by terrorism in a long time. Iraqi forces somehow were always able to keep the city from falling into Daesh's hands. I inadvertently gave Amal the info she wanted to know. Her sources had told her al-Qaeda wasn't properly funding Daesh's ambitions with weapons so they found a way to get some instead. I was valuable to the Jordanians because they could get intel about the organization that fed the beasts in the region. I told Amal I would get as much intel as possible on Sandstorm and their allies if they would give me and my brother citizenship and immunity. I still have holes in my memory but I remember the most important parts of my motivations."

"I don't know what to say Jane... This is a lot for me to process. I'll tell you this though I am glad you are starting to remember who you are. It seems to me you were always trying to fight for what was right. It took you a little time away from Shepherd to realize what that was. Your conviction in your ideals never wavered just a shift in focus. We're on the same side and I'm on your side Jane. Whatever Amal has us doing tomorrow I'll do my best for you."

"Kurt... that's means a lot to me thank you. I am so glad I could convince you to hear me out. I'm getting a little tired you should go home. I don't want to keep you out too long I know you wanted to get home."

"I can stay if you like Jane..." The sentiment is really sweet but I just want to think for a little bit then get rest.

"Its okay Kurt you can go home. I promise I'll be fine."

"All right Jane I'll go but I have some rules that you cannot fight me on."

"Okay shoot old man." He cracks a smile at me and it's nice to see that again.

"First of all I'm not old! Second from here on out nothing at the office can change all right. All of this happening right now only furthers the proof that this needs to stay between us. We can't suddenly change in the office it will cause red flags and I do not trust Nas at all Jane. I need you to be the same as it were before okay. In the office I won't actively try to hurt you but I will have to be curt."

"Kurt before you go I need to tell you something... Amal sweeped my apartment before I got home last night and it was bugged. Amal and Fatima searched all of the apartment for cameras as well but came empty. I think Nas bugged my apartment. I can't be 100% if she did because it could be Sandstorm but I really think it was her. Amal is now doing daily debuggings in here and monitoring this apartment."

"You sure you comfortable staying here by yourself?"

"Yeah I am good Amal has the apartment being watched and I can take an intruder if they come."

"I won't pressure you but Jane please call me if anything happens day or night okay..."

"I promise Kurt I promise." I walk him to the door and before he opens the door and I dive for a hug and it shocks him as much as it shocks me. At first it's awkward but he puts his arms around me and takes in a breath of my hair. It's nice to hug someone again especially when it's Kurt. We still have our issues but this feels right.

For the first time in a long time I am feeling hopeful again.


	5. Chapter 5

**I just got caught up with Blindspot** **and now that I know Roman's former name I will eventually edit out the name I gave him.**

Kurt has taken a day off at the FBI and the team deemed not important since they had a non-tattoo case. We decide to meet at Roselli's for "coffee" and take a different route than the day before to the embassy. The second time coming to the embassy is easier than the first because now I have clearance to be there without going through so many precautions but they are still thorough. We are waiting out in the hall for Amal to let us in. I have no urge to speak because I am anxious.

When I am anxious I like to just meditate on concentrate on calming myself down and Kurt gets the drift because he doesn't once try to disrupt the silence that I clearly need. The door finally opens swiftly.

"Hello Alice and Assistant Director Weller. We must be getting on we have to move." Amal is curt and polite. I don't doubt this her most professional setting but I feel something has happened.

We just follow her and some of her men to an elevator. It would make sense to go down but its going up to the top which confuses me.

We make it outside and I see a chopper waiting for us.

"Where are we going?!" The booming loudness coming from Kurt surprises me into a flinch because I wasn't expecting him to say anything.

"We are going to meet my boss and his liaison and do whatever we can to keep this mission alive. Do you have anymore questions if not let's go. The last thing you want to be is late meeting my boss."

We get into the chopper and I catalog where we are going and it's somewhere south I can't really get a good picture yet of where we could be going. Who does Amal have us meeting? It's hitting me hard now that this is very real... I may not get the answers I hope for but I am putting my trust and faith in Amal. Hopefully her liasion can deliver and help me secure freedom for me and my brother. I know I can get Ian to see that he matters more than this insane plan that we don't even know what it will lead too. It can't be any good since Shepherd is in bed with terrorists.

It takes us about an hour and a half to get to our destination and I see we are in D.C. its not hard to tell with all the government buildings. It makes sense that Amal would take us here. Have a dense portion of high-level individuals in all places of government and military. If there ever was a place to broker a deal it would be here. I am glad that I covered up and wore a turtleneck and blazer the last thing I want to do is draw attention and Amal has been explicit in not drawing any attention.

She would have talked to me about my attire if it wasn't up to par but she is listening to something on her phone. We land in near an abandoned warehouse. There's a two cars present and Kurt and I are split up. Its smart but also risky because the cars are taking different routes to the same place so no makes the conclusion we are together.

"I don't want to underscore how serious this is or my thanks to you but is all of this necessary?"

"We can't take any chances Alice... who knows what or who Sandstorm knows and this woman from the NSA bugged your apartment... You are clearly an asset to both of them so yes this is beyond necessary and I have to protect my people and Jordan's interests. Me being seen with you makes me and the whole mission vulnerable. I am invisible and the more I am out in the open the higher chance I can be identified now let's go." Its so easy to take for granted the sacrifices people make for you sometimes. I get the big picture of course but sometimes I forgot the legititmate cost for other people in the same situation. Her neck is on the line and she is a hidden person.

"I'm sorry Amal I don't know why I am being short-sighted. Maybe its just my nervousness of what will happen today... In your honest opinion do you think we have a shot at securing this freedom for Ian and me?"

"My boss is our best chance and he has a good relationship with his Liaison. I honestly don't know what will happen Alice. All I can say is that my boss wants this mission to continue it is imperative for a lot of people that this mission is successful. If we could cut off Daesh from Sandstorm it would do us so much good."

"I want that too so bad. I am remembering more about my past and I can remember feeling the hopelessness I felt when I learned those girls died. This is an everyday fear for those living under the threat of Daesh. Its only strengthening my heart more to take down everyone involved." The more I remember about my past the more I feel the emotion behind all of my decisions. I know then as I know now I would do just about anything for our mission to be successful. It's the first time that I have felt proud of myself. In the complicated web of trying to remember who I am finally I am seeing the bigger picture of my motivations.

For the first time in a long time I feel I am my parents child. I want to follow in their stead of fighting for what's right without trying to justify taking innocent lives for my goal.

"I am glad you are remembering Alice... there's nothing I wish to be greater for you. You are a great person and the doubt that lingers is very easy to get caught in. I have much confidence most of your memories will return at least the more recent ones. The rate at which you are remembering gives me confidence you will get many more soon." She grabs my hand and gives me a light squeeze. This connection to a part of my old life is making this all worth it.

We finally arrive to an undiclosed building with what looks like to be an underwhelming amount of security. This seems like the only place in D.C. that would have below average security. We make it into the parking garage and instead of taking a spot we get to a solid stone wall that has a retractable part and we get in and I see Kurt is already there.

Kurt and I just follow Amal and some of her men. On our way to our destination we encounter number of people in a security its hard to tell who they are being there's sheer large number of them. We make it to a room of solid oak and it looks too be thick. When we make it in to say I am shocked.

The King of Jordan and the President of the United States are the people in the room. I know Kurt is as surprised as me but Amal is not of course. She is the person who orchestrated this meeting. She goes straight for the King and gives him a firm handshake and then does the same to the president and I decide to do the same and the King gives me a slight smile. And I figure I should probably give the president of the U.S. a handshake as well. Its unnerving to meet President Obama especially considering Sandstorm seeks to undermine the country he leads.

It increases the guilt I feel for ever thinking this was okay. I take a deep breath because being in this room with world leaders who have been undermined by the organization that made me who I was is intimidating.

"Mr. President this woman is Lieutenant Kruger. She is apart of my agency that does deep undercover work. This work is vital to our region and obviously it crosses borders since she is here a world away in America. I have come here to ask that we start a coalition to uphold the national security of your nation and mine as well as help with the fighting going on in my region."

"I am assuming whatever this coalition entails it must be a secret one considering where we are and the lengths we all took to get here." This is the side of the president never truly get to see. Many people see the Buzzfeed version of the president but here he thinks like a tactician.

"Yes no one can know my asset is here or that she is my asset. Amina is on a mission to take down "Sandstorm". She has been undercover for years even before you know what to call them. In order for her to maintain her cover she had to infiltrate your government agency. What I need today is for it to be sanctioned. I hope for it to never come to light but the optics of this only will cause an emberassment to everyone involved and will complicate our alliance."

"I see what you mean foreign spy infiltrating a government agency and planting herself within one of the most elite units of said agency would be plastered on the front page of the New York Times. It would cause our mission to squash ISIL out with stupid noise by so many people. The last thing we need is the opposition here to latch on to a new theory of why we shouldn't have allies or have international relationships. What do you want me to do exactly?" President Obama is very direct and professional but also curious.

"We need for the action to be sanctioned and if the issue were to arise that is was done before the actual act. We cannot allow for our assets in this mission to be compromised or exposed. We realize that this is a tall order but this is meant to uphold the sovereignty and power of both of our nations. Daesh wishes to take all of the Levant and Sandstorm wishes to destablize the United States. They are in league with each other. The leader of Sandstorm is close to whatever event she believes will get her to her goal. Our assets are the best way to stop Shepherd before her plan can take off." This is Amal's area of expertise she knows what she is talking about and I force myself not to smile because its nice to see her in her arena.

"What good would that do us?" Its not hostile nor boastful. It's a simple question said in a cool manner

"Mr. President the good it will do you is allow you more to decide what and how you will help the western coalition in fighting ISIL. We are the front lines. Your media will continue to underreport Jordan's role in this battle but do not expect me to do the same. It is my officers, my service people, my comrades in the deep pits on the ground fighting. Americans are dying yes but not like the factor of our people. It is not America that holds the region together in fact it was the United States that has helped in its near collpase. Jordan is the one who accepts the most refugees but no one knows that. We have always done this whether they are from Palestine, Lebanon, Syria, Iraq or whereever else. It is Jordanian lives that make the ultimate sacrfice for the lives all across the Levant. I ask you on behalf of my King, myself, and my people to recognize our plea for assistance. We cannot do it all and without us you will lose your biggest lead when it comes to Sandstorm. Your intelligence of Sandstorm comes from us." The King says nothing but his body language shows full support as if they are of one mind.

"I thank your King and country for the intel on Sandstorm. It comes at a time where if your assets weren't in the picture we would have no concrete knowledge on these people. We'll commission a coalition where Lieutenant Kruger and the AD will have a partnership. This only extends to everyone in this room and the entities we must tell. I only plan on sharing this with three other individuals. I would heed you to do the same thing King Abdullah."

"I couldn't agree more Mr. President. I thank you kindly for having the time to see us." King Abdullah must be so seasoned in diplomacy. The tilt of his English-Arab accent is comforting and starkly familiar.

"Is there anything else I can do for you before we all leave?" The president says as we are all getting up.

"This is the most vital issue to discuss at this time. If anything should arise to your concern of course I would seek an audience with you." King Abdullah responds as they shake hands and they begin to to exit. Kurt and I move to exit and Amal's arms extend for us to stop.

"We will not move until the heads of states are safely away from the location." This makes a whole bunch of sense that we would be trapped until little to no security is left.

We just wait there for about 5-7 minutes and then Amal says they are a safe distance and that we can leave. We end up leaving the same way we come. We make it back to New York by the early afternoon and its hitting me that all of this is happening so fast. It feels weird to have one aspect of this mission resolved. I could still very well die but all of this Kismet is making my head spin. Amal releases us and Kurt and I head back to my place. It's the most secure place with GID tracking it.

I just sit on my couch and think to myself if I survive I might be able to live a life. If I live in Jordan I could have my head and neck covered most of the time if I chose. I would also have to wear gloves. It would cause a ruckus to display my tattoos there for some and besides South Africa that is the only place I have citizenship in. The whole time before my memories started returning I always thought I was American but I am not American at all. What happens when this is all over?

What happens if I cannot convince Roman? Why am I getting ahead of myself. A lot of this hinges if I make it alive after all of the drama dies down with Sandstorm.

"Jane I can hear the gears grinding in your head. Just calm down please..."

"I can't Kurt there's just so many things that can go wrong. There's so many angles to this and reality is setting in once this is all over what happens if I am still alive."

"Jane please don't think like that. You are going to live and we are going to figure it all out. I met the freaking president and the King of a country today. Let's just be excited about that and not think about the heavy stuff right now."

"No! I need to focus on this to calm myself down. I can't push this down for now. That's how my nightmares get more amplified. My fears spark back up when I am my most vulnerable. If I think about this now it will help lessen the burden of when I sleep later." I venture to look at Kurt and he looks utterly useless. All he does is look at me with a blank face. Now I know I have said too much.

"I had no idea that's how you feel."

"No one ever asks... Except for Borden but that's his job." I don't want Weller to feel guilty but I don't really know how to mince words.

"I'm sorry even before all of the stuff went down with Mayfair being killed we never really talked about that. It was always really about me and how to make you fit into my world. I wanted you to be Taylor so bad that I could forgot you are just Jane and Jane had her own problems. Even when we were on good terms we never discussed your struggles like this. I am really sorry for that honestly. You were always ready to give me support and I never saw you drowning in your own problems."

"I'm not really good at asking for help. I never really had many people to count on and for the most part I have very little memory of those who love me most. I just have you and the team really and I never really did speak about my feelings so its not really anyone's fault."

"Don't absolve me of the blame Jane. I hate when you do that. You absorb all the pain and blame for things even when it's not your fault. You know how to read me like a book and I know how to do the same for you but I was selfish. First I ignored it making my mind accept you as Taylor and then a second time after Mayfair and in all of that time you never did that with me. Throughout all of this you have been the bigger person and I'm ashamed of myself for treating you beneath what should be expected."

"I accept your apology. I am just used to it so I never really had time to examine what the right discourse to take on the matter." It still makes me nervous to be candid even with Weller especially because of Weller.

"Well all I can say is please call me out on my shit from now on please... If you need to talk I want to be here for you okay?"

"Okay... my biggest worry is if I am not able to get through to my brother. While I was with you and had no memories Shepherd was cementing her influence on him. He was always on my side but I don't know if this will shake his world too much."

"Jane if you can't convince him to join the right side he will most likely end up dead."

"Don't speak like a Deputy Director right now please! I am trying to speak candidly with you because you said that I could please don't make it a mistake." I beg him right now I don't need the FBI to tell me what will happen to Roman if he doesn't cooperate. I just want support.

"You are right I will let you speak Jane no FBI assessments here."

For a while we just speak about me and my fears of what happens next and it's so nice to get things off my chest and not have it examined in a clinical way. Maybe I can have another friend in Kurt. Maybe we could come back to that bridge when we were friends. I'll cherish this for the rest of my life even if it would be a secret.


End file.
